Annihilation at Seven

Annihilation at Seven

By Suzanna Tereyan

The Town of Be was silent. The dawn was beautiful. The yawning of the sun tenderly kissed its opulent flesh - flesh made of five-story buildings, medieval-looking paved streets, the rumble of shoe- heels, the onslaught of chafed coats, hats, umbrellas. Here, the cathedrals grew like weed in between the leafless tress and lacy clouds, their brick walls sucked the gray of the raindrops. The Town of Be was the place to be.

Alex arrived to the Town of Be on Saturday, the day, when most townspeople weighed down with their prayers in the Central Cathedral of Holy Shudra. He was to stay here for at least six months to work on his business project at Dody institute of Pslinque.  His friend Greg has temporarily situated him in his closet-like one bedroom apartment and told him all about the unique traditions practiced in the lovely Town of Be.

“We are serious here, Alex. Dead serious. We don’t like to laugh around here. It makes us sick, so be careful about that. I mean you can laugh, if you have to, but try to keep it down. Cover up your mouth with the scarf, walk away or something. Just avoid laughing in here. Don’t be selfish.”

“Walk away? Where?” Alex puzzled.

“It depends. Like if you are in my place, just walk to a different room, close the door, then laugh. Frankly, I don’t think you will even have a reason to laugh, since you are here for business purposes. But hey, things happen; after all, you are a foreigner.”

Alex was shocked by what he heard. He silently stared at Greg, then looked away, then stared at him once more, then looked away again, then lighted a cigarrete. “Can you tell me more about this town and the people?” he began questioning his friend.

“Eh Alex, it’s not all that complicated. Just do your thing; be careful, though. You’ll see it for yourself. Relax. Don’t overthink here. After all, you are in the Town of Be, so just be yourself,” Greg chuckled. “You know what, let’s have a drink.”

 Fixing two drinks, he turned on TV, and they spent the night watching HBO movies.

A week passed by like an airless wind over the Town of Be. Alex grew very restless. No one seem to know any specifics about that laughing- getting-sick business. No one wanted to talk to about anything in this strange town. Alex tried hard not to laugh around people, but his patience had a limit.

 Seeing a psychologist seemed the right thing to do, so on Friday after work, around 6 o’clock, Alex headed to the Central Cathedral to see the doctor Wells Shunick.

“Tell me about yourself,” Dr. Shunick began, once Alex sat on the old plush chair across from doctor’s desk.

“I am here on a business assignment, staying with my friend Greg. He said, I couldn’t laugh in this town, cause people around me can get sick from it. The other day I laughed, when he was on the phone with his girlfriend, then he said, he had a memory loss because of it, and his girlfriend got mad at him, cause he forgot he had to spend the night with her. They almost broke up because I laughed. Can you believe that? I think that girl has some serious issues. Maybe sex,” Alex smirked.

“Awful,” Dr. Shunick nodded tragically and looked down.

 Alex paused for a second, then went on. “What’s wrong with you people? What’s up with this town? No one even smiles here. Please help me. I am lost.”

Dr. Shunik forced a grin. “Nothing special, sir. However, the memory loss is an unusual symptom for the after-laughter illness. Tell your friend Greg to make an appointment with me. I can help him with that. What concerns you, sir, your diagnosis are serious, and I will not be able to help you at this stage of your disorder. The only person, who may be able to find a remedy for you, is his holiness Saint Parish the Great. His office is in the basement of this building. Let me call him first, though. With your condition, he might want to see you right away.” He quickly pulled his phone out of his pocket and called his holiness. After a very brief conversation with Saint Parish the Great, Dr. Shunick turned to Alex. “You may see him right now. His office is downstairs, room twelve thousand. Your case can’t wait, sir. I am sorry to say this, but you’re terminally ill, Mr. Alex. I am sure, our father Saint Parish the Great will help you. Good luck.”

Alex froze. Terminally ill. The Town of Be. The laughter. Doctor Shunick. His holiness Saint Parish the Great. The father. Yes. What the fuck was all of these?

The basement was three floors down from Dr. Shunick’s office. The door to the room of his holiness was half-open, so Alex entered it without a knock.

“Good evening, my son,” the holiness greeted the father. “Take a seat, how are you doing these days, sir? Tell me what do you think about your ability to laugh?”

“Nothing. Everybody has that ability. I don’t think, when I laugh. When something is funny, I laugh. I can’t control it; it’s like you wanna eat when you are hungry, or have sex when horny.” Alex grew irate. “But tell me… am I dying?”

“You are, my son. I am sorry to say that, but you are dying. However, if you stop thinking about it, and most importantly if you can stop laughing, things may change for better. You know there are ways to suppress your desires. I can teach you that. For instance, you may keep drinking water, when hungry or…”

Alex nervously interrupted, “and what? Jerk off, when you need a woman? Look, your highness, I came to your Town of Be only three weeks ago, and I don’t get it. You guys seem to have memory loss problems here. It is very strange, that my laughter makes people forget things. I was absolutely healthy, when I came here, now I am terminally ill? I need explanation or I am going to start laughing right and left. I am warning you, Mister Parish the Great.” Alex smirked and came forward with his torso.

“I see, I see. Bear with me my son. First, tell your friend Greg to visit me with his memory loss problem. Even though, it is the mildest form of the disease one can get form the laughter, it needs immediate attention. Send him to Dr. Shunik first. As far as your diagnosis sir, you should give me a week for the funeral arrangements for you. I will have to inform the people of the Town of Be about your annihilation ceremony that will take place on the seventh of this month. Since today is April 30th, we have only a week to let people know about it.”

“How you know about my friend Greg?” Alex raised his voice, “I’ve never even told you about him. And then, did you just say my annihilation ceremony?”

“Yes, indeed. Your sickness is highly contagious, and at this time of the year, that we cannot afford to announce a quarantine. It will bring an economic obsession to our town. So we will have to eliminate your presence, sir, and I am very sorry about that. One thing I can promise, it will be absolutely painless. As a guest, you deserve the best, sir, and I will proved the best service to you. You have my word. We’ve been practicing annihilations here for centuries.”

Alex crossed his legs, then lighted up a cigarrete. “Are you real, your holiness? Are you out of your mind? Fuck you and your Town of Be. I am out of here. My laughter is contagious?? This is all bull shit!” Alex yelled.

“Take a breath, sir. I understand that you are now aware of the laws here. However…fine, I am going to tell you something that may save your life, sir. Listen to me carefully. Just calm down and listen. If you can find a man by the name mister Lapsha in two days, you may be saved. I will postpone you annihilation to the following week, right after Easter. I promise. We have been looking for mister Lapsha for hundred and five years, but no luck. The man is hiding well. Per my calculations, by now, mister Lapsha should be around 142 years old. He is a tall, good-looking man, with full lips, short beard, and glossy green eyes.”

Alex burst into laughter. All horrified, his holiness ran to the door.

“Wait,” Alex stopped laughing and walked out after his holiness. “Come back, you prick. I stopped. I won’t do it again. I promise.”

Saint Parish the Great turned around and uttered, “You better stop laughing, sir. Now! It’s not funny, I may die. You are contagious, you understand? Sick and contagious! You ought to control yourself. You are not dead yet, remember. Only dead people in this town cannot control themselves, therefore we place them in a gated community. You are still alive so behave, son! I have one more minute to talk to you, then you should leave and no more questions, until you find mister Lapsha and bring him to me. I will check on you in two days. I will also make sure, that you don’t leave this town, so any thoughts of escaping from the Town of Be are useless. Do you understand, sir?”

“I understand nothing, but tell me more. What should I do, when I find Lapsha?” Alex forced curiosity.

“If you find that man, take his long, black scarf, and cover your mouth for good. It will stop you form laughing forever. You will be saved and, most importantly, you will save people of our town from that meaningless human reaction. As Doctor Shunick says, the laughter is the atrophy of human emotions. Absolutely useless.”

“Wait!” Alex said and stared at his holiness, “Hmm, how come you have green glossy eyes, full lips, and a long…” Alex suddenly exclaimed.

“And what? What is it now?” Saint Parish the Great interrupted.

“Do you have scissors on you? Your beard is too long for mister Lapsha,” Alex chuckled, “Look, look, you’re even wearing his black scarf,” Alex snickered again. “I found you, fucker!”

“It is not a scarf, sir, stop it right now! No profanity in this holy place, sir! It is a stole!” his holiness screamed in fury. “It is a holy stole, sir! A stole! Do you understand?! All people of the Town of Be lick this stole every Saturday. They worship this stole! I am their father!” His holiness grew breathless, but went on. “They live for the sake of this stole, sir. You ought to be ashamed of yourself right now, for I am deeply embarrassed by your improper behavior in my office- the office of his holiness Saint Parish the Great! Right here,” he continued shouting, “in front of my divine eyes you are turning, sir, into a great danger for our town and its heavenly people. We can’t wait another week, so your annihilation is going to happen right now!”

“Of course, we can’t wait, your holiness,” Alex hollered, “let’s do it now.”

Suddenly, Alex pulled his jean belt, pushed his holiness to the ground and tied his hands tightly with his belt. While Parish was trying to apprehend what was happening, Alex slid his black stole off his neck and firmly wrapped it around Parish’s mouth. Then he pulled Parish’s pants down quickly located his balls, and began tickling them. “Hey, don’t get hard on me, I am trying to make you laugh, moron,” Alex chuckled. All inflated in fury, his holiness made embarrassing sounds of attempted laughter.

“Oh man,” Alex heavily sighed and looked straight into Parish’e eyes. “How come this scarf did not shut you up? Look at you trying to laugh. Ha- ha… It is five minutes to seven now. Enjoy your laugh for another five. I am very sorry your townspeople will not witness your obliteration, but they will notice it tomorrow during the Saturday mass. I will make sure, they all laugh, when they see your balls hanging along with your stole at the cathedral’s front door. I will make sure there is a written instruction for them how to ring the balls before they enter the building. I will make sure, you are remembered forever, your holiness Saint Parish the Great of the Town of Be.”

Suddenly, the door to the office has wide opened and the doctor Shunick’s terrified look caught Alex by surprise.

“Come in, doctor Shunick, come and witness your friend’s annihilated body. It’s happening; it’s beautiful, isn’t it!” Alex pointed at the lifeless body of his holiness.

“Oh no,” doctor Shunick roared, “You killed mister Lapsha, sir, not the father!”

“It’s the same, doctor. You think I couldn’t figure that out?”

“No it is not the same! You came to a wrong room, Alex. I told you to go to twelve thousand; you came to the twelve thousand and one.”

Alex looked confused. “What? The door was open and…are you saying I was tickling the wrong balls?”

“Certainly, sir. Our father does not have any. He is a woman, sir, and she is waiting for you in her room.”